Your Mental and Physical Health are Your Wealth.
Going Broke?
Going Broke?
All Things Female
Page Audio
Mary Wells - Two Lovers
Mary Wells - Two Lovers
He didn't like the casserole,
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right,
He didn't like the stew.
I didn't mend his socks,
The way his mother could always do.
I pondered for an answer,
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the crap out of him...
Like his mother used to do.
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right,
He didn't like the stew.
I didn't mend his socks,
The way his mother could always do.
I pondered for an answer,
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the crap out of him...
Like his mother used to do.
Well, after seeing these I think I'll keep my fat ass, thank you VERY much!
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth, a spear lodged in his chest with his clothes on fire.
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another.
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make my favorite cake for me, and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.
When you thought I wasn't looking I heard you say a prayer, and I knew that there is a God I could always talk to, and I learned to trust in Him.
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing, and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't.
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it, and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good, and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw tears come from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw that you cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be.
When you thought I wasn't looking I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.
When you thought I wasn't looking I looked at you and wanted to say,'Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking.'
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make my favorite cake for me, and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.
When you thought I wasn't looking I heard you say a prayer, and I knew that there is a God I could always talk to, and I learned to trust in Him.
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing, and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't.
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it, and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good, and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw tears come from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw that you cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be.
When you thought I wasn't looking I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.
When you thought I wasn't looking I looked at you and wanted to say,'Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking.'
Companions
A woman comes home and tells her husband; "Remember those Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies; Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat "I do not have a Headache; I do not have a Headache, I do not have a Headache." It Worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a Ball Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy: that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes Back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the Bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife..."
His wife replies; Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat "I do not have a Headache; I do not have a Headache, I do not have a Headache." It Worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a Ball Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy: that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes Back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the Bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife..."
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Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $5.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.
WOMAN'S YEARLY EXAM
Went to the doctor for my yearly physical.. The nurse starts with certain basics. "How much do you weigh?", she asks.
"135", I say.
The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 4", I say.
The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'2'.
She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
"Of course it's high!", I scream, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
She put me on Prozac. What a bitch.
Went to the doctor for my yearly physical.. The nurse starts with certain basics. "How much do you weigh?", she asks.
"135", I say.
The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 4", I say.
The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'2'.
She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
"Of course it's high!", I scream, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
She put me on Prozac. What a bitch.
Before I was a Mom,
I never tripped over toys
Or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not
My plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.
Before I was a Mom,
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind
And my thoughts.
I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom,
I never held down a screaming child
So doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night
Watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom,
I never held a sleeping baby just because
I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
When I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small
Could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom,
I didn't know the feeling of
Having my heart outside my body..
I didn't know how special it could feel
To feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond
Between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small
Could make me feel so important and happy.
Before I was a Mom,
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
Every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth,
The joy,
The love,
The heartache,
The wonderment
Or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much,
Before I was a Mom ...
I never tripped over toys
Or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not
My plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.
Before I was a Mom,
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind
And my thoughts.
I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom,
I never held down a screaming child
So doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night
Watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom,
I never held a sleeping baby just because
I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
When I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small
Could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom,
I didn't know the feeling of
Having my heart outside my body..
I didn't know how special it could feel
To feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond
Between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small
Could make me feel so important and happy.
Before I was a Mom,
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
Every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth,
The joy,
The love,
The heartache,
The wonderment
Or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much,
Before I was a Mom ...
Swine Flu Suspect
Husbands
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.
Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.
Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
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Kathy and 'Hutch'
Discovery Cove, Orlando
Discovery Cove, Orlando
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Aspire to be Barbie - the Twit has Everything.
B A
1%er
1%er
When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall. 'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'
'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with bazookas like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.'
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'
'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with bazookas like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.'
Single White Male
seeks
Love of His Life.
seeks
Love of His Life.
Granny
Baby
Bro
Bro
Daddy
I don't think our kids know what an apron is. The principal use of grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath,because she only had a few, it was easier to wash aprons than dresses and they used less material, but along with that, it served as a potholder for removing hot pans from the oven.
It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.
From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.
When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids.
And when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms. Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove. Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron.
From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls. In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees. When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.
When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner.
It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that 'old-time apron' that served so many purposes.
REMEMBER:
Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool.
Her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill to thaw.
They would go crazy now trying to figure out how many germs were on that apron.
The downtown rondezvous that I was having with a you-have-got-to-meet-him was not going well yesterday when I realized I desperately needed to pass some gas. The trendy music being really, really loud and ignoring Mr. Loser, I timed my releases to the beat.
After a while, I finally felt a bit better. I finished my merlot and noticed that everyone was staring at me, including Crooked Face.
That's when I became aware that I was listening to my iPod.
After a while, I finally felt a bit better. I finished my merlot and noticed that everyone was staring at me, including Crooked Face.
That's when I became aware that I was listening to my iPod.
An indicator that your employer has changed to Obamas Health Care Plan is when your annual breast exam is scheduled at Hooters.
go65tv.com
GO65TV
Finish Strong
Daisy Dukes
Everything is Wonderful My face in the mirror Isn't wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn't dirty, The cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely And so does my lawn.
I think I might never Put my glasses back on.
My house isn't dirty, The cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely And so does my lawn.
I think I might never Put my glasses back on.
Sex in the Shower
In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries firm (Brut), People from Detroit and Chicago have proved to be the most likely To have had sex in the shower! In the survey, 86% of Detroit's and Chicago's inner city residents said That they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.
In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries firm (Brut), People from Detroit and Chicago have proved to be the most likely To have had sex in the shower! In the survey, 86% of Detroit's and Chicago's inner city residents said That they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.
Mammograms
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your home. EXERCISE ONE: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the door as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.
EXERCISE TWO: Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is su fficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.
EXERCISE THREE: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
YOU ARE TOTALLY PREPARED.
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your home. EXERCISE ONE: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the door as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.
EXERCISE TWO: Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is su fficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.
EXERCISE THREE: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
YOU ARE TOTALLY PREPARED.
MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause............. Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?..........And When we have real trouble it's HISterectomy!!!!
Ten Thoughts To Ponder for 2009
Number 10 Life is Sexually Transmitted.
Number 9 Good Health is merely the Slowest Possible Rate at Which one can die.
Number 8 Men have Two emotions: Hungry And Horny. If you see him without An Erection, make him a Sandwich.
Number 7 Give a Person a fish and you feed him For A Day, Teach A person to use the Internet And They won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6 Some People are like a Slinky... Not Really good for anything, but you Still Can't help but smile when You shove them down the stairs.
Number 5 Health Nuts are going to feel stupid Someday, Lying In hospitals dying Of Nothing..
Number 4 All of us Could take a lesson from the Weather. It Pays no attention to Criticism.
Number 3 Why does a Slight tax increase cost you $200.00 And A substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2 In the 60's, People Took acid to make the world weird. Now The world is Weird and People Take Prozac To make it normal.
Number 1 " Life is like a jar of Jalapeno Peppers. What You do today, might Burn Your Butt Tomorrow"
Number 10 Life is Sexually Transmitted.
Number 9 Good Health is merely the Slowest Possible Rate at Which one can die.
Number 8 Men have Two emotions: Hungry And Horny. If you see him without An Erection, make him a Sandwich.
Number 7 Give a Person a fish and you feed him For A Day, Teach A person to use the Internet And They won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6 Some People are like a Slinky... Not Really good for anything, but you Still Can't help but smile when You shove them down the stairs.
Number 5 Health Nuts are going to feel stupid Someday, Lying In hospitals dying Of Nothing..
Number 4 All of us Could take a lesson from the Weather. It Pays no attention to Criticism.
Number 3 Why does a Slight tax increase cost you $200.00 And A substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2 In the 60's, People Took acid to make the world weird. Now The world is Weird and People Take Prozac To make it normal.
Number 1 " Life is like a jar of Jalapeno Peppers. What You do today, might Burn Your Butt Tomorrow"
It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol
A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol
How I learned to mind my own business.
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, And all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.' The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see What was going on..... Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick! Then they all started shouting '14....14....
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, And all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.' The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see What was going on..... Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick! Then they all started shouting '14....14....
Innovation.
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iBoob will cost from $499 to $699, depending on size. This is potentially a major social breakthrough since women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iBoob will cost from $499 to $699, depending on size. This is potentially a major social breakthrough since women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
If it has Tires or Testicles, it's going to give you trouble.